Seriously, God must have not been paying attention to my life for awhile until 1/15/2009.  For some time everything was going great, and then it’s all “Wow, I haven’t payed much attention to <censored> lately, his life is going great. Looks like I’ve been slacking.”  Cause on that day until now he resumed shitting all over my life.

Him and my parents have made me into this person.  This person so full of hate, it’s hard to stay alive.  Sometimes I just sob on the floor holding a knife for hours.  No people, sorry to upset you, but I will probably never kill myself.  As much as I would love to stop existing I will not do it.

So, I drink a lot lately, but really how could I not?  “You drive me to drink.”, said my parents since I was a child.  How could that not have a negative influence on my life?

In under 30 days I have lost most of my friends, my job, my Love, and everything else.  I might be able to handle this, but then they come along.  My family always manages, almost purposefully, to multiply all my sadness and agony by a thousand.  I worry that this is killing who I am as a person.

Who I am has been lost before in the past.  A new name, a new personality, a new lifestyle.  Everything in life just made me shut down until I became someone new.  I really, truly fear that this is happening again.  When I move away though I plan to change my last name and cut off all contact from family.  What I really hope though is that this hurts them deeply inside.  Yeah, I said it.  I’m a bad person.

I am a bad person. I have tried to say this many times but everyone tries to convince me otherwise.  I want nothing more than for the people that turned me into who I am today to feel equal emotional pain.  It’s not like saying this can make any more of you stop talking to me.  Hardly anyone is left as it is.

What do you expect me to do?  Every single time I find someone that truly loves me it’s always “Don’t be with him. He is a horrible person.” which then turns me into something even worse.

All I want out of life is to be accepted for once and to find love.  How am I supposed to find this if everything I go through just destroys me more.  No one wants to be with someone like me, and I can’t change.  I’ve tried.

I’m sorry everyone.  This person I currently am may be beyond saving.

-That One Person


2 Responses to “Rantings”

  1. Well, that’s some revelation.

    So how do you avoid becoming at once a stereotype and a statistic?

    I know! Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal lord and savior?
    (Sorry, pal. I couldn’t resist…)

    So the search for love has confounded you. The reason of parental guidance has deserted you. Your friends say, “Raise your hand if eeeew!”

    Well, I’d pledge my undying friendship, but I suspect that would cheapen the experience. You’ll just have to assume. Deal with it!

    So you change your name, your lifestyle, your personality, and still no happiness. The Zen philosophy would have something to offer, in this case, but since you have actually made a STUDY of philosophy, I’ll avoid that lecture too.

    So where does that leave us? I know the answer, and someday, you’ll try Zoloft too! I digress…

    Anyway, I actually KNOW the answer to your problems. All of them. It’s so bloody simple, you won’t believe it. If you’re serious about solving them, call me. If I don’t hear from you, then I suppose you are just blogging for the sake of show.

    I’m callin’ you out, Bro! (Ain’t dat a bitch?)

    None of you FYE ghosts ever calls me or answers my calls, so what do you know? Can you afford to lose the chance that I might actually hold the secret to your happiness? Heh.

    Friendly’s. You know the one. Next week. I’m buying. You in?

  2. Please, I need you here.

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