A Little Love

One thing that I have waited for and searched for my entire life is real love. Sadly, this is also the main thing that has escaped me.

Love is something that I think about every second of every day of my life. That feeling that you are safe because someone cares about you, that human connection that I can rarely hold onto. I just wanted to take this chance to say that I am extremely jealous of every single one of you that has it. You may be my best friend, or you may be a stranger walking down the street. If you have love, it drives me insane with jealousy. I know this may sound crazy but it is really all I want. When I see you walking through the mall that I work at holding somebodies hand it makes my stomach turn with hate.

At home I lack any love what so ever from my family. The only thing they care about is money and themselves. When this was brought up once to them, they simply replied “But of course we love you, we give you money.” Seriously now? If that is love then I want a new life goal.

Relationship wise love is like water falling through my fingers. I reach and I grasp for it but despite how many times I try it falls away. I don’t know what it is that I lack, or what it is about me that makes me so unworthy of it but it drives me insane. If I could just figure out why I can’t have it then maybe I could change or fix myself.

More than likely it is just that I do not deserve it. With everyone who has loved me quickly quitting, moving far away, or not being allowed to see me.. it has turned my heart into a shattered disaster. You may say, “But you seem to be holding it together well.”  Except the fact is that I fake the majority of my happiness. I am broken, I am weak, but worst of all I am alone.

I apologize for ranting, oh my empty crowd.

-That One Person

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5 Responses to “A Little Love”

  1. But…I love you.

  2. But…I love you most 😉
    Niggaaa

  3. Puddle of Jealousy Says:

    You’re lucky you have the ability to give yourself completely to one person. I have always kept distance between me and my significant other. I am always the one who breaks the heart, so that I am safe from having my own smashed to bits. I am scared of nothing more than heartbreak. It is terrifying. I wake up crying because I have dreams of being rejected to my face by someone I finally got up the courage to trust. Emotion overwhelms me often, the fact that I will always live in a certain state of fear is too much for me.

    Sometimes I would just assume never contact the opposite sex again. To avoid the entire complication of heartbreak and just sustain with the happiness I find in knowledge and family.

  4. I think love its the greatest feeling in the world and it would be such a shame to not have it. i mean i have love but i wish i could give my love ot everyone my signicficant other wont et me though! =P but no seriously i love you. not because everyone deserves to be loved but because you are amazing and you need to realize that there are people out there willing to love you.

  5. It hurts me to see that you have typed this.
    I know alittle of how you feel, for I am emotionally disconnected (as they call it). But I know I care for you deeply. I hate (strong word) to see and hear that you are suffering. I do wish that you would talk to me more.
    No one should suffer alone, let me suffer with you.

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